So I'm about to get vulnerable with you, but let me first explain why. I do not want to "glorify" my struggles or sin issues, and I don't want to just write to vent in an emo way. I write that I may have your prayers, to bring darkness to light, and for accountability purposes. Even in my young Christian life (6 years!) I have witnessed many Christian leaders and peers fall away and somehow I always get scared for myself. I can begin to understand why, as I have experienced this past year the loneliness that can coexist with ministry leadership. It is a battle to live a Christian life. So I don't want to pretend that I have it all together, or that I am competent in myself to do ministry. On the contrary, I feel very weak and needy of God's strength and the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ. And yet, I praise God who uses such "foolish things to shame the wise," and "when I am weak, then I am strong." So please pray for me! I need help.
The past couple days have been shockingly difficult. I've been feeling down, and I know that this also has to do with spiritual attack that I am under since I leave for Summer Project Briefing this morning. I have had struggles with depression and low self image in the past, and I feel some old lies coming back to drag me down again. This has also affected my relationship with Josh, my co-leader for the Epic Tokyo Team and (interestingly enough) boyfriend. Having done some ministry leading together this year, we have begun to notice the trend that often when we have big leadership responsibilities arising, our relationship is the first thing that gets tough. So often we have fought the night before a big outreach or program! And our relationship does affect our ability to do ministry. Please pray for us.
That's how I was feeling the past couple days, but tonight we had a conference call with our staff leaders (me, Josh, Steph, and Wayne) and we spent some time praying for one another. I feel so nice and refreshed!! God is faithful, even when I feel I am in darkness. He always leads me in His ways of righteousness! But I can still use your prayers for this summer. Please pray that:
--The hearts of the Japanese people would be open
--The enemy would not gain a stronghold in Josh's and my relationship
--That I would not be weighed down by fear or anxiety, but that I would cast them all at Jesus' feet
--That Jesus' love would be made more real to me than ever before
I do have such a hard time realizing God's grace for me, when I am such a perfectionist! Ahh...
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